expat+Harem

Last week I was thrilled to write a guest post for expat+HAREM, the hub for global citizens. It's difficult, at first, to put such a myriad of cultural considerations, feelings and experiences together in a few short sentences for such a large readership... especially one which consists of people with similar nomadic features and with such a broad range of experiences. A readership which is very strong and self-defining.

The best thing I came away with from this global niche was a warmer feeling of camaraderie and different perspectives to my own experiences, which enlightened so much after so many decades!

 

Expat+HAREM blog carnival, celebrating Istanbul as the European Capital of Culture 2010:

Guidelines

Takes one to know one

If it hadn't been for the train of thought which came out thanks to Catherine Bayar's post on her 'a-ha' moment on the soul-penetrating expat+HAREM a few weeks ago, I might never have taken the time to stand back and look at how I've always been searching for the 'why' of being here, in a land different to the one I was born in and grew up in. It's obvious that there is no 'why' but a 'who'. 

I'm here because he is here. I'm not bending over backwards simply for a man, but it made more sense as my life and work was the more flexible of the two. Now, I'm not a marriage expert and I don't exactly know what makes men - or even women - tick but I do believe that we've got a hold of some of the secrets into what makes things work in a marriage. At least, we've been pretty successful so far after 19 years together with not a bored look in sight so far.

Anyway, what I see working is the fact that there is nothing to work at. If you set up boundaries and rules and definitions in a relationship, I mean come on. People hate all that crap at work, why would anyone like it in a marriage?

We've never divided up our money, time or belongings into strict his'n'her's. We've never told each other what we expect the other to do and not do. We just get on with it. Sharing everything. It's really so simple. I just don't get gurus who point out the benefits to having business-like arrangements. I don't want to go to bed with a business partner! I don't want to be observed with mistrust and to tiptoe around each other for fear of 'breaching' a rule.

We also live in a settlement where women need to have a slight edge on things as husbands can be away for long stretches and have huge responsibilities to their jobs. So, there are unwritten rules of male conduct here - some may call it outdated, I call it chivalrous and necessary for survival - where women often have the last say in terms of groceries, who has the car, when the kids get new shoes, when I get new shoes (!), when a new sofa is ordered, etc. I've never seen a single man in our community who doesn't fit in with this code and as a result women here are strong. Otherwise it would be a very difficult place to live in.


As for Turkey, you need to be strong overall. But as I say, it helps to stand alongside someone who doesn't mind holding a sick bowl for you...

Different year, same place

I go through the same ritual every year... I make the decision to start preparations to go back. Back to England. "It's time", I always say. "This is the year."

And then I get caught up in just making it through the routine schedule of the week; school runs, work; another project; holidays; just another something which keeps us here yet longer.

This year I've made no such resolutions or promises. I've accepted that there's still a little while left, a couple of years more or less, before I can return. And so, I'm going to relax for a couple of years. Stop thinking of this home as so temporary. Maybe have the walls painted this spring. After all, it's important to enjoy each moment and make the most of being where you are. By living in the future I was in danger of missing out on the present.