expat+Harem

Last week I was thrilled to write a guest post for expat+HAREM, the hub for global citizens. It's difficult, at first, to put such a myriad of cultural considerations, feelings and experiences together in a few short sentences for such a large readership... especially one which consists of people with similar nomadic features and with such a broad range of experiences. A readership which is very strong and self-defining.

The best thing I came away with from this global niche was a warmer feeling of camaraderie and different perspectives to my own experiences, which enlightened so much after so many decades!

 

Expat+HAREM blog carnival, celebrating Istanbul as the European Capital of Culture 2010:

Guidelines

Takes one to know one

If it hadn't been for the train of thought which came out thanks to Catherine Bayar's post on her 'a-ha' moment on the soul-penetrating expat+HAREM a few weeks ago, I might never have taken the time to stand back and look at how I've always been searching for the 'why' of being here, in a land different to the one I was born in and grew up in. It's obvious that there is no 'why' but a 'who'. 

I'm here because he is here. I'm not bending over backwards simply for a man, but it made more sense as my life and work was the more flexible of the two. Now, I'm not a marriage expert and I don't exactly know what makes men - or even women - tick but I do believe that we've got a hold of some of the secrets into what makes things work in a marriage. At least, we've been pretty successful so far after 19 years together with not a bored look in sight so far.

Anyway, what I see working is the fact that there is nothing to work at. If you set up boundaries and rules and definitions in a relationship, I mean come on. People hate all that crap at work, why would anyone like it in a marriage?

We've never divided up our money, time or belongings into strict his'n'her's. We've never told each other what we expect the other to do and not do. We just get on with it. Sharing everything. It's really so simple. I just don't get gurus who point out the benefits to having business-like arrangements. I don't want to go to bed with a business partner! I don't want to be observed with mistrust and to tiptoe around each other for fear of 'breaching' a rule.

We also live in a settlement where women need to have a slight edge on things as husbands can be away for long stretches and have huge responsibilities to their jobs. So, there are unwritten rules of male conduct here - some may call it outdated, I call it chivalrous and necessary for survival - where women often have the last say in terms of groceries, who has the car, when the kids get new shoes, when I get new shoes (!), when a new sofa is ordered, etc. I've never seen a single man in our community who doesn't fit in with this code and as a result women here are strong. Otherwise it would be a very difficult place to live in.


As for Turkey, you need to be strong overall. But as I say, it helps to stand alongside someone who doesn't mind holding a sick bowl for you...

Different year, same place

I go through the same ritual every year... I make the decision to start preparations to go back. Back to England. "It's time", I always say. "This is the year."

And then I get caught up in just making it through the routine schedule of the week; school runs, work; another project; holidays; just another something which keeps us here yet longer.

This year I've made no such resolutions or promises. I've accepted that there's still a little while left, a couple of years more or less, before I can return. And so, I'm going to relax for a couple of years. Stop thinking of this home as so temporary. Maybe have the walls painted this spring. After all, it's important to enjoy each moment and make the most of being where you are. By living in the future I was in danger of missing out on the present.

Are expats without borders?

I recently commented on a blog, which is something I don't really do that often, especially if I don't know the blogger personally. I know - not good 'social networking' practise. Well, that's a topic for another day. Anyway, I won't name the blog as it's not really relevant to the present issue and as I'm going to whine, the owner of the blog may not appreciate being mentioned...

The blog post was something about a certain crafting celebrity not being featured so largely in countries other than her own. A perfectly valid topic and a personal viewpoint, which means it shouldn't really be attacked. I enjoyed the blog post and was intrigued by the ensuing comments. Around 80% of the responses were derisive of the blogger's topic and rudely mocking of the infamous crafter in question. Now, personally, I don't love nor hate that particular celebrity as she is quite far removed from my culture and lifestyle as it is possible to be. Yet, she is doing me no harm! She is firmly and happily ensconced far away from me, Britain and Turkey and is not threatening to turn the Brits into pumpkin-carving, card-making, fifty-layers-of-bedlinen buying fanatics any day soon. So, why should I call her rude names or wish bad things upon her?

However, I felt I should voice my opinion as to why she's not popular in my neighbourhood, but also to say that there was no need to be rude about her. I think being an expat - as well as a cross-breed - kind of gives me the 'live and let live' edge. Don't like a person? Fine, but let it go - there are people that do.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I received a response to my comment from a complete stranger from Germany (not the blogger herself). This person wrote nothing about the celebrity in question, but instead poked fun at my comments about Britain and how her experience during visits to London were so different. I won't repeat the comment, but it made me think. This person is living in her own country, therefore does not experience pining, nostalgia and memories as acutely as we do. This must therefore give her the luxury of being publicly mocking of other cultures and nations. Now, honestly, we all do this in some context, don't we? But, never perhaps directly, or so publicly? And, I've noticed, expats are a little softer around the edges when it comes to discussing other people and nations. There's just that little bit more hesitation before speaking, careful avoidance of anything which may be offensive. Also, there's more defensiveness. You get to experience and appreciate other beliefs and cultures, and respect them. You have no choice but to be open-minded, in the beginning. After all, you are the one 'invading' so to speak.

Anyway, at the end of a very long and derisive talking down, does it ever make sense to end with '...by the way, dont get me wrong, I like London and the British...' Oh, okay. I somehow didn't get that from the 200 words you just spent completely slating the place...

Expat communities

I think the state of being an ex-pat is so unique in that the feeling of close-knit community is unlike any other. If I were still in Britain, I would have my usual gaggle of girlfriends, colleagues and family. But the circle of friends I have here is unusual - you try extra hard to help and guide one another. You try that much more to get along with someone you normally wouldn't give the time of day to at home.

Perhaps, everyone has an opportunity to enhance their better qualities when they are themselves in unfamiliar surroundings. Of course, it could always be sheer desperation...

This morning I got a call from a young American who was literally stranded here. He had been invited over to teach and when the agreement fell apart, he was left here, in a foreign land, all by himself. The first thing everyone around him thought was, 'let's get him in touch with his own 'sort'.'


Actually, this is a nice thing. Nice for him that he suddenly has these people who speak the same language to rally round for him, and nice for us that we have one more shiny new friend. In what other situation would you ever see this happen with no ulterior expectations?

Ever moved the earth for love?

Maybe not the whole earth itself, but I have certainly moved across half of the earth for love.

This particular yarn of this particular expat begins with the move I made from one distant corner of Europe - the UK - to the very edge of Europe - Turkey - exactly 17 years ago. A move I may not have made if I had not been deliriously in love with a man who made my new home seem all the more exotic and all the more romantic.

Have I regretted it? No. I'm still happily in love.

And now I'm ready to share all of the trials, tears and beautiful experiences which are so typical of an expat's life. I hope you'll enjoy the journey.